Archive for June, 2014

Cassiel Download

Posted: June 29, 2014 in special

Thanks to a lovely simmer’s request, I now have Cassiel up and available for download on the sims 3 site.

Cassiel (2)




His lifetime wish is alchemy artisan. I think, I probably should have written it down, or actually remembered.

Cassiel (4)

He has his CC hair, and skin, however with a scan completed, none of it is infected, or bad. And clothing from a range of EP’s.

Cassiel (3)

If anyone has any other sims that they want uploaded, I would be happy to do so as per request ūüôā


Chapter 5.20 (2)

My eyes swiftly come into focus, the room is dark, and colours swirl viciously around me, overloading my eyes with a sense of relief, until I notice the blood, and my hands tearing into soft flesh. My teeth drip with the crimson mess, my chin, my neck, my arms, all smeared with the horror of my crimes.

“L.. La.. Ark…” The voice whispers, as my fingers curl around his heart. I’ve feasted on so much blood, I can barely focus on anything but. My muscles tremble painfully, aching with each racing beat of my heart. It feels like it will tear out of my chest, wrapped tightly in broken glass, and severing everything in it’s way. My lungs can’t possibly have the room they need to breathe, it’s a horrible pressure, seizing the violent, aching breaths and cutting it short.

Chapter 5.20

“S.. St.. Stop..” The voice is louder, more forceful. I pull my hand out of his chest, knowing just how close I was to crushing his still beating heart. I roll off of him, listening to him gurgle, and the blood dripping from the attack. The wounds aren’t healing fast enough, he’s lost too much blood. And I’ve just…

I lick my hands, tasting the last drops that I know I’ll get. I almost killed him, I almost wanted to, to just end it. He laughs weakly, coughing up more blood, the sound is hysterical. “Full m.. Moon must be c.. Co.. Coming.” It isn’t, but I am not a real lycan, and this wasn’t the moon.

Chapter 5.20 (3)

It was the darkness.

It was me.

“I’m sorry.” I mumble, shedding my naked skin for something smaller, furrier, and a lot faster. I need to run, I need to get away from this place. Away from my would be victim. The blood makes it hard to hold my form, to stay in a straight line. It’s hard not to follow every delicate scent to their owners, and their bodies, and not tear them limb from limb.

Chapter 5.20 (4)

Following the light of the moon, I must run for hours, going nowhere in particular, and everywhere at once. I want everything tonight and nothing at all. I want the darkness to consume me, I want the sun on my back, and the warmth on my skin. I want blood, and chaos, and peace, and silence. I want blood.

So I run, until I can’t run no more, until my sides feel as though they’re tearing apart, and each labored breath is another nail in my coffin. I open the door to my small apartment, barely making the bathroom before I empty my stomach’s contents into porcelain. Blood, thick crimson blood fills the bowel. Of course my body was rejecting the blood.

The cold, dead fluid circulates my system, in such a way I’m almost convinced that I might drop dead, and be reborn as a vampire any moment now. My skin burns, the veins in my body struggling for life, and I’m sure I might die.

Chapter 5.20 (5)

I turn the shower on, barely managing to sit underneath the frozen water. My eyes lose focus as I shudder against the tiles. Just breathe. Just find anything at all that’s human. That’s alive. And warm. It’s so dark now that I’m left in the absence of my nightmare. Despite all my talk, about dying, and already being dead. I want to live.

Was my life just designed to force me to accept it?

The life that wasn’t mine to take.

I laugh pitifully, pulling a shirt over my head, without drying off my cold, wet body. Where was the sun when you needed it? The sunrise? All the little things that I hate to love? My body drags slowly as I stumble in search of something to hold onto. My survival, perhaps. That one in a million miracle.

Chapter 5.20 (7)

What the hell is wrong with me?

But I just need the to pain to stop.

I’m so tired of this game.

Chapter 5.20 (6)

“Larka? What are you doing here, it’s late… Early? It’s really, really… It’s like four am.” Cassiel decides upon, scratching his tired eyes with a soft sense of calm, and forgiveness. I laugh, high pitched and girly, as I fall into him, my hands wrap softly around his neck, breathing in his warm scent. He smells like sunshine. And wolfbane. And all the pretty little things that want to hurt me.

I tense, my body still draped around his, trembling and shaking. If he had ever had doubts about my humanity, my racing heart was proof enough against it. Right now, in my anxious, pained glory, I was nothing more than human. So pitifully so that it made my heart beat out of turn and rage against me. And so I hold him. For just a moment more. Until that tiny part of me that is wrong, and dangerous, and a killer, fades into oblivion, hidden beneath my wired eyes.

“Why don’t you ever want to hang out?” I moan with a quiet whimper. Childishly trying to hold onto my dying dignity. I don’t know why it pissed me off as much as it did, that he wanted to pretend that we hadn’t been together, that we couldn’t still have fun. I don’t know why I cared at all. “If I had any feelings they’d be hurt.”

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“Now the great Larka Godwinn doesn’t have any.” He breathes quietly, holding my face in his rough hands. “At least that’s what she thinks the world would be better off believing.” Pulling away, he steps back into his other world, past the doorway that I cannot enter. I wonder if he knew what he was doing. Challenging me to leave behind the remnants of my darkness, and reclaim the pathetic light that still shone through.

“Invite me inside.” I state urgently, watching him with sick curiosity,

“Now why would I do something like that?” He raises an eye brow at me, blowing me off again. His apathy is infuriating. I could hit him. I could kiss him. If only I could step inside.

“Cas…” I wonder if he could see it in my eyes, and the anxious way they draw across his body. In the nervous way I look in the darkest corners of his house for some type of fiend, and danger. “Why are you being so difficult?”

Chapter 5.20 (9)

“I’m not the difficult one.” Cas steps away from the door again, leaving a wide berth for me to pass through, but without an invitation, it’s a sick joke. “You’re not as scary as you think you are.” The doorway screams out to me, loud enough for my head to spin. I can’t do it. I’m not human enough. It would be so easy, just one step, maybe two. But I can’t. “Larka. Won’t you please come inside?” He whispers as he catches my fall.

I’m not sure if you could call it sleep. I’m distinctly aware of him in the room. Of his scent, and his warm breath. I wonder if he knows if he saved my life back in Ravenwood, that I’d be a goner. That there would be no avenging, or lustful stares.

“Cas, why did you come here?” Are they words? Did I even make a sound? He hates us, almost as much as I do.

Chapter 5.20 (11)

“I didn’t want to.” He breathes quietly. “But Mr. Aleksi made a deal I couldn’t refuse. That if I came, and worked for all the things that I despised, that he would protect everything I couldn’t.” Pause. He breathes for a moment. I can hear him smiling already. The frustrated, teeth grinding grin he couldn’t help. Even when it was the last thing he wanted to do. “I sold my soul for everyone in that town. For them all to be safe again, for whatever that means anymore.”

“Why do you hate them?” I crawl across the couch, barely aware of my surroundings, like a heat seeking missile to his lap. I’m weak, and he’s warm. I’m dead, and he’s the sun. “Demons, sure. Soldiers, though? I’m not sure who you hate more.”

“I hate them for because of my family, for my kid sister, and my momma.” It’s leaving, that¬†smooth, easy smile. He’s hesiatating, but he doesn’t know how. “She was eleven when they took her. Left her out in those woods when they were done, after they were finished with her, out there all alone… As you can guess, the demons came for her after that… It’s a lonely life, being a soldier. And she was beautiful, and they were lonely, and she was just a kid.”

Chapter 5.20 (10)

“We’re not all lonely, Cas.” I mumble into his lap. “Just like we’re not all demons.”

Placing a hand across my forehead,¬†his lips graze the top of my head. “Who are you kidding, Larka.”


“I… I didn’t know who else to call, and you’re the only name I recognize in her contacts…”


Chapter 5.20 (12)

“Larka, why the hell did you come here? Pissing Sora off isn’t enough for you anymore?” Nick sighs, kneeling down beside my slumbering body. His voice is soft, and low, a quiet mumble, an angry lullaby.

“Look, it’s not a big deal, you know-“

“She turns up at you’re house, stoned off of her face, while smelling like an ashtray, no, it’s not okay.” His hand rummages under my arm, gripping my dead weight with a determined tone in his voice.

“I don’t mind.” Cassiel states. “I’d much rather her here than going off with some creep.”

Chapter 5.20 (13)

“And you’re saying that you’re not creep? Look… Just don’t go falling in love with her, that’s all I’m trying to say.” Nick whispers, I can feel the anger radiating in his body. It doesn’t quite match the softness of his voice. “It’s pretty obvious the soft spot that you have for my sister.” Perhaps if I was half a decent person, if I was awake, or even cared, I might have noticed the blush on his cheeks. “You seem like a nice guy, Cas, you really do. And that’s why I got to warn you. She’s not the type to fall in love, and if you do, you’ll only find yourself in a world of hurt.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“I’m sorry, but I am saying it as a friend, not an overly protective big brother.” He says softly. “If she ever turns up again, call me and I’ll come get her, regardless of the time.” He’s scribbling down his number. “If I’m on a mission, try Sam, uh, he’s on home guard, so. Yeah.” He’s turning to leave.

Chapter 5.20 (14)

“I tried a number before yours, off her phone, one of her recent contacts, he, uh, seemed like a bit of a tool. You probably don’t want him around too much, he actually probably won’t be around much after-“

“His name?”


“That bastard.” Nick mutters under his breath before whispering to me. Quietly, deadly. “You’re in big trouble when we get you home.”


My head is heavy, my limbs feel like concrete slabs as I begin to wake. Barely even conscious, my hand clumsily fumbles over the bedside table looking for the little wake me up that I needed. I stiffen when the search come up empty, and I anxiously peel my eyes open.

I shouldn’t be out already. Gabriel had given me at least a weeks worth. I knew that I had put it here. Not even one bloody drop. I hang my head off the side of the bed, hoping to see the little crimson vials scattered on the carpet. In the drawer. Nothing.

Chapter 5.20 (15)

“It’s not in there, you know, you’re not gonna find it.” A voice mumbles nervously from behind me. I growl, finding my feet before I can even figure out how I didn’t notice him sooner.

“I don’t know what your talking about.” I respond blankly, studying my brothers face, trying to figure out what he knew. Even if he’d managed to get to one stash, I had plenty of others around the house.

“Don’t play dumb with me, sis.” Sampson smiles weakly at me, running a hand down his arm to console himself. He had never really grown up, he still held the hint of nerves when he spoke that he did as a child, and looked with the same fear encompassed within his eyes. “I know. Everything. I’m just sor-“

Chapter 5.20 (16)

I don’t even get to him before I feel a hand on me, holding me back. My fingers, just out of reach of Sammy’s delicate little throat, but he shouldn’t be sorry yet, he was going to be though. “You touch one hair on his pretty little head, and our introductions aren’t gonna be so pleasant.” A voice threatens, before releasing me. “You okay, Sam?”

“Uh.. I.. Yeah, thanks.” I watch as he forms a reassuring smile towards his lover boy, still watching me cautiously. My fingers tremble as I pull open the top drawer in the next room, just out of sight, rummaging through shirts for what I need. “Larka, I told you it’s all gone. You’re not going to find anything in here.”

“You’re quite a deep sleeper.” His man adds with an amused tone, perhaps trying to lighten the mood. I begin pacing, what exactly was going on. What happened last night? There was Gabriel, and his lips, and his exquisite- Blood. Lots of blood. Sora wasn’t home, and.. Cassiel! That rat bastard sold me out. “Hey, you can’t leave.”

Chapter 5.20 (17)

Freedom. I reach the door before he can reach me, but it opens before I even touch the handle. “Christ, Sam, I thought I told you to watch her.” He smells distinctly of blood, I can even see it on the cuffs of his uniform. Vampire blood…

“Nick, I’m-“

He waves Sampson off, not taking his eyes off of me. They seemed darker than usual, more alert. “Sit down.”


“I’m not asking, now move.” He orders, and if can’t fight the authority in his voice. And so I move, like a scolded child to the couch. Pouting all he while, and crossing my arms. “So I had an interesting conversation not too long ago, can you guess who with?”

“Cas, that fuc-“

“Guess again.” Nick crosses his legs as he sits on the coffee table in front of me, folding up the bloodied sleeves on his shirt as if to prove a point. My jaw tightens, and I just want to look away. The sun is positioned behind him in a way I can’t escape the glare, but doing so would mean looking away, and backing down. “Gabriel, he uh… Won’t be seeing you again.”

Chapter 5.20 (18)

“What did you do?” I say quietly hoping that if I just go along with whatever he had to say, then I could leave, then he would leave. I just had to play the game. It’d be worth it in the end, even if Gabriel wasn’t the one supplying, I bet there were plenty who would.

“Let’s just say that we had a little talk about the ethics of supplying V.” Still he won’t move his eyes off of me, it feels as though they’re ingrained into my very skull, and reading my every thought. “Especially where it concerns you.”

“I don’t need you looking out for, nick, I’m a big girl-“

“Then act like it.” He states simply, challenging me with every word. “I’ve let this continue for far to long, and it’s over now-“

“You’re not my fathe-“

“No, Larka, I’m your brother.” Nick states matter of factly, as if that made a difference at all.

Chapter 5.20 (19)

“You’re not even that!” I hiss over him, pushing all of my anger into those four words. I’d never said them before, nothing of the sort, ever. But he had no claim over how I lived my life, none at all. And I can feel his gaze falter under my words.

“Fuck you, Larka, honestly, fuck you.” The adrenaline starts to pump as he pushes himself up and stares at the window. Angrily, hating the words that broke right through his steely defences.

“Nick, she didn’t mean it, she’s just-“

“I do mean it. You were dad’s consolation prize when he lost mom, the bitter reminder of their pathetic relationship.” I’m yelling now, ¬†my throat is raw and hoarse. And the walls are closing in around me. I just need a taste. Just a drop, and he’s keeping me away. “Ma is a real softie for keeping you around all these years. Dad got his alpha, the bloodline is upheld, and now he doesn’t need you around.”

Chapter 5.20 (20)

“It’s over, Lark.” Nick smiles, causing anger to ripple down my spine. “I’ve scoured every inch of this apartment, and there’s nothing for you. No blood, no booze, no smokes. And trust me, if you keep this up, I’ll have no problem keeping you here til your clean. And then some.”

“You can’t always be here, and him?” I point to Sampson, watching us wide eyed. “You really think he can stop me.”

“You’re right, I can’t always be here, but the funny thing about being a captain like myself is, I have an entire squad at my disposal.” That self satisfied grin on his face. My nails cut into the soft flesh in my palms, cutting through the soft skin. There’s blood running down my hands, and it’s the only thing from stopping me from punching him. “So no, lark, you’re not going anywhere.”

“Look, okay, I’m sorry. But I don’t need to be here-“

Chapter 5.20 (21)

“You will do as I say, Lark.” Nick growls. His voice a straight monotone, but the threat and blatant authority was obvious, even to me. Over the years, and growing up together, he had tried to never make a point of his dominance but now, that idea was thrown out the window. He was the alpha out of the two of us. And he was going to run it in until I submitted before him.

With the remaining remnants of the V in my system, I give him a defiant glare. “It’s not like I’m addicted, it’s just a bit of fun-“

“Then it should be easy for you to quit. You know, this isn’t just your career, and your life that your fucking with.” His eyes seem dark, lathered with just a hint of violence. Underneath were black bags, lined with exhaustion, but he’d never let me see the anger. “I don’t want to see your mother cry again, least of all over you.”

“It’s just a bit of fun!” I repeat, feigning ignorance at his words. Although, him asking mother not to cry again, was just as futile as asking the sky to turn green. “If you really want, I’ll quit, just like that, but god, stop over reacting, you don’t need to lock me up in here.”

Chapter 5.20 (22)

“Well, I might be over reacting, but I want you to repeat that again next week.” Nick forces a fake smile onto his face before throwing himself onto the couch with a loud hmph sound. “It’s just a bit of fun remember..”

Chapter 5.19

All through winter I had worked. The days melded together beautifully in a haze of smoke, sex and violence. Every shot of my gun, with smoke rising from the barrel brought me a step closer to salvation. And each body that fell, and imprinted, staining the pure white snow was another cross to bear.

There seemed to be plenty of those lately.

Every drop of warm blood that I tasted, every moan that fell into the creases of my pillows was the tiniest drop of rain onto the fire that had been my life. The booze got stronger, the drugs heavier, and even the blood more plentiful. Every nightmare, and each time my body would seize up in fear, I’d swallow it to the depths of my stomach, until I couldn’t even see straight.

But the fires still burnt deep within me. Eroding the parts of myself that I wish could stay, leaving broken memories stained in thick black char, and ash. The foundations were crumbling beneath my feet, and the roof was swaying vicariously above my head. Any day now, if I allowed myself to soak it in, to feel the tremors in my bones, I’m sure that it would all come tumbling down over me.

Chapter 5.19 (2)

As spring came to be, and then summer, people forgot how to live. They merely survived, holed up in their homes watching the news. Watching the death tolls rise again, and the politicians lie through their teeth. We might have lost the battle, but we’ll win the war. But this time, the rest of humanity was joining in on us on and this slow trip to the grave. There were no rules anymore, only urges to be slaved after. And the vampires knew exactly how to sate them.

And every day more kids were being turned, and everyday we’d get our orders to shoot them all down. I didn’t blame the humans for ordering our arrival, to kill their fifteen year old niece who hadn’t even tasted her first drop of blood, or to kill their twelve year old boy who was crying at their doorstep begging to come home. It was a war and they were the soldiers.

I didn’t blame them when I held a stake above a child’s heart, no, humans had always been panicky animals. But I hated them for it. I hated how our targets might beg for their miserable lives until their souls bled, or how they might rip out their own fangs as a show of dedication. And all the friends, and all the family that they might butcher in their own cellars.

Chapter 5.19 (3)

But more than that, I hated the fact that this was our mission. Kill the kid who hasn’t taken a life because they don’t believe that the vampires can fight it. You know, my momma said that back in the early days of the war, when she was growing up, and long before then, back in the supposed golden ages of humanity, there were still wars, and people were still dyin’ out in the streets.

Only then, they were killing their own over foolish land disputes, and fifty bucks. For who’s god had a better end game, and who loves who, and oil, and witches, and money.

But maybe, in the end, we’re all just predisposed to violence.

Chapter 5.19 (5)

Maybe we all just wanna see the world burn.


“They’re scared, what do you have to say abo-“

Chapter 5.19 (4)

“You’re right, Julian, they are scared. The people are scared. But we all are, that isn’t necessarily the plague of human existence. Fear. Lets talk about that.” I watch my mother speak on the TV. “Because I have yet to see a soldier, vampire, or lycan, that isn’t terrified that the next time that they leave the gates of their communities, that it isn’t going to be the last time that they do. And that their friends, and that their families, and all the people that they might leave behind, won’t have a reason to mourn because of the nature of their diets, and birth, and affiliations, and all the other things that don’t matter. Not really, because at the end of the day, this great country wants to lock away, and ostracize even further all the brave men, and woman who are bearing the full brunt of these battles, and fighting these wars for you.”

“So, Ms Godwinn, you don’t believe that this is your war?”

Chapter 5.19 (6)

“A point so regularly pointed out to me, I am a vampire. My father is a vampire. My father’s father. My friends. My children too. This is a battle between the purebloods, and the humans that they have waged war against. You. But we do not fight because we are vampires, we fight, with the rest of our men and woman, because it is in fact the right thing to do. The lycans, need not be a part of this war, but they are, why? Because it is the right thing to do. It’s no longer a war of vampires, and humans, but right and wrong. Least we be reminded of the atrocities of world war 2, and Iraq, and all the wars before our time. The problem lies not in ‘species,’ but in greed, and in power.”

“So then, in your honest opinion, do you believe that we can trust these vampires-” The word rolls off of his tongue like poison. “Who supposedly know right from wrong, up until they’re given a modem of power, or realize that they’ve already got it, with the lives of our citizens?”

Chapter 5.19 (7)

“In my honest opinion, you already do.” Cue the shit eating grin that the publicists had worked with her for months to create. The perfect you know I’m right, that you can trust me smile, that creased up at the corners of her eyes in mock genuine sincerity that the public loved, but never saw close enough to see the smug lines, and self satisfied wrinkles at the corners of her mouth.

“They’re out for blood today.” Cassiel mumbles half entranced by the flickering images on the television screen. As the scene cuts, and fades to black, it’s then followed by pictures of blood, and the latest defense systems for half price, he sits anxiously at the end of the couch. I can feel the tension in his muscles, he either hated the reporters today, or was terrified of what they had to say. Possibly both. “What on earth are they ranting about?”

“The war, what else?” I raise an eyebrow at him, coming face to face with his nervous features, lacking the trademark Cassiel grin. “They, uh… They’re thinking about passing a law which means anything not human, and not currently deployed, will be sent to a compound, far away from the public, and humanity. You know, just in case one of us lose control.”

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“And the people choosing to go to those compounds won’t be the ones doing all the killing.” His face scrunches up, as if what he’s saying is so simple, yet so difficult for everyone to understand. And it is. “Can they actually do that? Send you all away?”

“Yeah. They can try. We’re not exactly popular at the moment.” I try to smirk, to lighten the mood, but if anything, it comes off as fake, and insincere. And worse still, uncertain. We were all trying so hard, fighting to save the people that would sentence us to death the quickest. It was a tough pill to swallow, when we outlived our purpose, then so to would our existence. But if we didn’t fight, if we didn’t even try, then what purpose was there at all.

We sit for a few moments in silence, and I can feel his jaw tightening under his dark emotions. I watch him carefully, studying the lines of his face, and the way his fringe covers his golden, amber eyes. That which was usually the sunshine, was the sky before the storm, streaked in black, and grey. And turning darker by the minute.

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“What happened to the guy who wanted to exorcise all us demons?” I ask with a cocky grin, and a smoke sticking out from my lips. For a moment, I think the clouds will be with us for days. Without lighting my cigarette, my grandfather plucks it from my mouth and tosses it away with a stern look.

“I will…” Finally, the darkness begins to waver, letting the sun peak through the clouds. And Cas was back. “And I am.¬†If I ever manage to finish my ever growing collection of study material and make it into these labs.”

“Says the boy who doesn’t understand what any of this equipment does, or the purpose behind it. You’d sooner blow yourself up, than get any closer to the breakthrough.” He smiles softly with a lost look in his eyes, far to distant, and blank to be¬†with us at the moment. I wonder what he sees. “This isn’t sticks, and mud anymore, it’s real science, with a real purpose.”

“It wasn’t only sticks and mud, sir.” Cas grins, regarding my grandfather with a sort of devotion, and reverence. “What was the world like… Before it all went to hell?” The air changes, even my frazzled, dulled senses could feel it. The guilt, the wonder, the pain of the past, and the future that we had lost.

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“I was a vampire, young Cassiel, I wasn’t exactly dancing through the streets of our hometown, under the sun, and swimming, and going to the movies. That perhaps might’ve been my mother’s world. So bright, and human.” My grandfathers dog whines softly, nuzzling into his legs, as if to say that it was alright to speak. To dream, maybe even to hope of the days that humanity had lost. “Things were a lot different, even despite the wars and the crime, things were… Hopeful, bright.” His eyes soften. “My mother used to tell me that in fifty years there would be flying cars, and holographic TVs, and phones. Cities, with towers reaching the heavens, and robots too. And everyone used to think that. Perhaps it could have been like that.

But when the war came, people stopped looking for the wonder, for the latest phones, and fancier microwave ovens. They stopped reaching for that brilliant image of tomorrow, and traded it in for stronger guns, and better boundary lines. Fifty years on, if you asked the people what they think the future will look like, they’d probably say entire cities where vampires can’t cross the threshold, some might say a cure, some might not even say peace.”

“It’s hard to imagine what the world might even look like, be like, if this war had never of happened.” Cas sighs, and inside all of us, there’s a burning sense of what we’ve lost. I can’t even begin to imagine the parallel universe in which there had never been a war. Perhaps I would have worn pink, and been a cheerleader, perhaps I would have fallen in love at some school dance. Mother and pa would have taken a hundred photos. Or maybe, everything would still be fucked. “Is it true that people used to write? I read a lot back home, there wasn’t much to do, and there were books on everything. Vampire loves stories, and wars, and all the things that they’re afraid of now. But no one’s writing any more.”

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“Is writing that important? They’re barely teaching kids to read, let alone write.” I reply, watching his face fall on mine with a seriousness in it, only hindered by his small smile.

“Writing signifies hope, Larka, cause it means that someone out there is still dreaming, And that after pouring their heart and soul into it, that there’s someone else out there who’ll read it.” He shrugs. “But no one’s writing, and no one’s reading, or doing anything for tomorrow, we’re all just stalling time.”

“So what do you suppose we do?” My grandfather’s face flickers with some unknown emotion. I think of his mother, who wrote a book that no one could read because it told of unspeakable truths, sitting in an ancient library to collect dust. And the thought is tragic. It was her life on paper and she just let it rot¬†away.

After a brief moment of thought, he finally responds. “Read some more, sir, read, and then maybe in fifty years we can have a cure. Something. Anything.”

“Then don’t just sit there, get to work.” He chastises before turning to me. “We need to talk, Larka.” We sit in silence for a few tense seconds. And I can tell from the look on his face, the dark scowl, and clouds in his green eyes, that there’s a lecture coming. My chest tightens, and I can feel my limbs tingling desperately as he tries to find the words to say. “Do you want to be a necromancer, Larka, or are you just wasting both our times on childish pursuits?”

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“Well, I’m here aren’t I?” I mumble out, looking for an escape.

“Are you still using?” I try to speak, try to protest, to deny everything, but with one look I’m silent. I pout childishly, crossing my arms tightly against my chest, as the offence covers every inch of my face. “You need to get clean from the blood¬†if you’re ever going to make this happen. It’s impairing both your ability to become a necromancer, and your reasoning.”

“Why, so I can channel a bloody ghost?!” I whine a little too loud for the small room, and more loud than the situation required. How could he think that the V would affect it? That I could just give it up for something so futile, and risky. A chance, a small, pointless chance. I could kill them, anyone who would try to do the same to me. It was my job, my only choice, not magic.

Chapter 5.19 (13)

“Maybe it’s not the getting clean that your afraid of, maybe it’s the ghosts you might find, and the reasons that they’re in the ground.” His face drops, and his eyes fall on every surface, and object in the room, so long as it isn’t me. It feels like a swift kick to the gut, knocking the air from my already gasping lungs.

“How dare you, I am not afrai-“

“Seems to me you’re a scared little girl.” He states quietly as an angry looking vampire enters the room. I had seen him¬†¬†before, I just couldn’t find the name.¬†My body trembles slightly, as I focus all of my rage into the image of my grandfather, and count down the seconds until sweet relief.¬†“Lieutenant, I take it my father was too busy to make it down, and instead, sent you in his place.”

Chapter 5.19 (14)

“Mm, new victim came in today, he’s very… Keen to get started on his new project.”¬†Punishment force. If normal soldiers, like me, were feared, then they were terrifying, the lowest of the low. Cold, calculating, and cruel, more than anything else. They were dark. Interrogations, torture, pain, it’s what they were known for. My heart thuds as if to tell him that I know. A cold sweat drenches my clammy skin. Just a few more minutes til I’m free. Til I can drink myself into oblivion.

“Try it again. Maybe you’ll get more than a few seconds if you try hard enough.” My grandfather orders, without looking at me.¬†“Very well, let’s continue.” He speaks, stepping to the blue haired vampire.

“With all due respect, sir, with everything that’s going on right now, I’m surprised you haven’t upgraded that flimsy meat suit for something a little more durable.” He pauses, watching¬†us both carefully,¬†with a threat heavy in his voice. My grandfather begins walking again, as if the constant fear of assassination wasn’t at all taxing.

“And with all due respect, they’re not going to kill me yet, they need a cure, just as much as we do. Which is why I need you to double security on the hum-” The door shuts behind him and I’m free.


I’m calling the number before I’ve even left the building, the dial tone rings twice before his voice picks up. “I need it now.” I reply in a breathless whisper. The door’s unlocked, he already knows to expect me.

Chapter 5.19 (15)

And then my teeth sink into his neck, savoring the rich, metallic flavor of his blood. It isn’t love, what we have. It isn’t even like, or contentment. I wouldn’t care if he died. If anything it would be¬†an annoyance. A hole to fill, a person to replace, a dealer to find anew.

But I needed him, more than that, I needed what was in his veins.

And everything that it did to me.

And made me forget.


When I wake, it’s explicitly dark, and a cold, frozen wind snakes past my naked back. My body tenses up, and trembles, trying desperately to find some warmth. In the darkness I can’t make out any shapes, it’s true darkness. No flickering slivers of light, or shadows moving in the corner of the room. The wind gales around me, whipping my hair against my pale skin.

My heart thuds, racing painfully in my chest, as I try not to panic. But I can’t, the darkness is all consuming, like my sight has been cut off leaving me blind to my surroundings. And it’s so cold, my skin is growing numb. There’s nothing here, no walls, or skies, or anything.

And then the whispers come. I can’t think, I need to escape, a scream lodges itself in my throat. And the whispers get louder. Chanting in some unknown language. I can’t feel the cold anymore, but my body is trembling so badly, I’m not quite sure how I’m still standing. It’s paralytic. My pulse bursts against my throat, and ears, thundering in my head, until it’s dizzying.

There’s hands now, gripping my throat, and my wrists, slamming against my chest in some unknown struggle. A scream penetrates my ears, and I finally fall to my knees. I think my ears are bleeding, my stomach, my chest, in thick scratches.

God there’s so much blood.

The room starts to come to life again. The bed, the walls, the roof.

Where’d all this blood come from…

It’s been long enough I think, my eyes watching the seconds tick by on the clock. Watching my latest pray sit quietly, almost blissfully unaware of me, and my plan. The plan that I had so cunningly crafted to get back my gun and licence to kill. It had been over a month now since I’d returned from my last mission, over a month since I was able to do my job. If it wasn’t frustrating enough that someone had died, but now they were treating me like I was broken.

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The plan was simple. It was all about convincing the guy behind the desk, mindlessly filing paperwork to sign me back up. To dot the i’s and cross the t’s, one might say, or something of the kind. I smirk wickedly as I pull my top down, the all too thin, and tight fabric straining against my body with each hasty breath. Men were simple.

He, was easy.

“Hey, Cap.” I call out, letting my voice run rich with sugar, and honey. Judd’s eyes reach up to mine, slowly, deliberately, allowing his eyes to subtlety soak in the sights of my body. It was a game that we used to play, it didn’t really seem so long ago¬†that¬†I would tease and push his limits, and he would dutifully try to play it off, like he hadn’t tried to convince himself to say no. Those days seemed so far away now.

“Larka.” He says, a small hint of a smile gracing his anxious lips. “I’ve left you like a hundred messages. How have you… How have you been?”

“I’ve been good.” I reply far to quickly for my own liking, like I was taught by instinct to respond, good, fine, okay. “Can we talk, privately? I just, I think I’m ready to go back.” I smirk convincingly, batting my eyelashes at him with the well crafted art of sex. And sex sells. Especially to guys like him.

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“You might think that, but Captain Sora has asked for some special consideration regarding this issue.” Judd shakes his head unconvinced, putting all of his effort into keeping his eyes on the reports in front of him. I couldn’t help but wonder what Sora had told the board, sure, he knew a lot of things, but he wasn’t a snitch, and he’d swim through frozen lakes before he’d admit to my so called blood addiction. “If you can prove it to him, then you can prove it to me.”

“Come on, Judd, have a little faith.” I whine playfully. “Your not my captain anymore, so you don’t need to… Look out for me the same way anymore.” My whisper is so soft in front of him, as I lean down just far enough my cleavage strains at the tight fabric of my thin top.

“Uh.. Well..” He coughs nervously, shuffling the papers around in some final act of desperation. I was close, my uniform and gun were just moments away.

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“You heard the bigwigs talking about how everyone needs to chip in, and help out our fellow man. I’d just love to help out. Don’t you want me to help out? Captain?” My voice is sickly sweet as I corner in on him. I’d of had to be stupid not to have noticed his little crush on me back when I enlisted, and he’d have been dumb not to notice my own teasing.

“I vaguely remember you going to the hospital during that whole ord-” I sit on his desk in front of him, crossing my legs up high, just high enough for my already short skirt to bare just a little more skin. Slowly I place my fingers under his chair, in the spot where his legs were parted, and pull him closer to me.

“Boring.” I breathe out with a quick smile.

5.18 (10)

“Lark… It’s not my… You need to..” He begins and starts again several times, his eyes circling in on my lips, my exposed thighs, and all the places that I should have covered but didn’t. Even if he got the wrong idea, I still love the wrong idea.

“I thought you were a captain too, your own man.” My eyes eat him half alive as I look up and down his tingling body. His heart is racing, crashing against the walls of his chest, so loud that he knows that I can hear it. And mine remains a steady beat, which I’m sure only frustrates him more.

“You’ve had a really.. Really.. Uh-“

“Hard time, recently.” Judd’s gulp is loud, obvious.”It’s so empty now that I don’t have my three boys.” I could see Aiden shaking his head at me, even as I said it. Telling me that I have no shame, and winking at my shameless efforts. “You could help that though, help fill it up again.” I smirk, caressing his face gently, breathing on him only a few inches away from his anxious lips. “Sign the papers for me, captain, let me fight again.”

5.18 (11)

I can hear the frantic scribbles against what I only hope is the right forms, although at this point it could be anything. His finger graze my cheeks as he leans up to take his prize. I have other ideas though, I plant my foot where my fingers used to be and push the chair backwards, as I lean away with a victorious smirk.

“Thank you very much, captain. Try and get me a mission somewhere civilised, yeah?” His pulse is still frantic, and from the corner of my eyes, I can see him blinking in confusion as he tries to figure it out.

“I might have said yes, you didn’t have to play so dirty-“

“Oh yes I did, you love it dirty.” I chuckle with a sly grin. Apart from being able to kill some vampire and extract some medium of revenge, I might get to try out that dead, witchy¬†touch again. It had to have a name, surely. I could just name it something. Death’s hand? Maybe? Because memory channeling or whatever the hell it was called, at this point was painful to even think about.

The only good thing about training with my grandfather, was that Cas was sometimes there to look at. But sometimes, I thought about what he looked like under that lab coat a little too much.

5.18 (12)

And that was not something I wanted my grandfather to know about, much less see. Whatever deal he had signed to get that man here, really didn’t need the extra detail of what he had done to his grand daughter, and what he still has to do.

I smirk walking back to my grandfathers office. Judd curses pitifully under his breath, which gives me some sort of sick satisfaction. And in some divine way, he deserved it. For not being there. I bite my tongue, slowly letting the thoughts sink back into the very depths of my mind. I just can’t think of that, of them.

Not today.

Not ever.

“Have you been practicing what I’ve told you?” My grandfather doesn’t even turn to face me when I enter the room. His¬†head stays buried in a folder, eyes flickering across the his hasty handwriting, adding numbers into boxes, and repeating. I could already tell what he was doing, what he had been doing for the last week, trying to find out how pitifully human Cassiel could turn a vampire into a mortal corpse. “Big night last night?”


“Aren’t they all.” I smirk back at him, flashing the same grin I used as a child when I would be caught doing something I wasn’t really supposed to be doing, but still had, with pride. Like sneaking downstairs at midnight to steal a piece of cake, and being asked about it the next morning. “Besides, I’m celebrating. I’m a solider again.”

“Is that really a good idea? I mean, your gifts could be used for so much bette-“

“- Like running away.” I pause, immediately regretting my words with a defiant scowl. It was true, I mean, it was, he had even admitted that it could help me escape if the battleground moved into our backyard. Waiting for Cassiel to move out of earshot, I whisper quietly. “What’s your deal with him anyway? You don’t spend this much time with your other assistants.”

“Humans look a lot better on paper than we do. If anything happened to me, or to the others, involving our fragile political alliances with the humans, at least someone might be able to cure this damned curse. Or exorcism, or whatever he’s calling it today.” He smiles with a shake of his head, trying to lighten the situation, not that it was really possible. It had never occurred to me though, that everything my grandfather did, even the little things, were so that everyone else might survive the impact his death might leave, or this war might scar.

5.18 (2)

“Things are bad then?” I reply Cassiel brushing past me.

“We’re an archaic species trying to survive in a new world.” That was all that he was going to say on the matter. Things were bad, they always had been between our species. Humans, vampires, and lycans, all tryna assert their position in an already tiny world. “You need to focus if you’re ever going to get this right.”

“Boring.” I mumble under my breath, knowing that it was useless to argue with him. Maybe the purebloods would storm through our gates. Or maybe the humans would. Maybe I just needed to survive.


“You wanna get a drink, country boy?” I ask, grinning like a fox outside the elevator. Cassiel looks up at me, his brows pushed together slightly, as if I’d broken him out of an incredibly dull thought. “Maybe you can tell me how my demon grandfather convinced you to come work for demons.”

5.18 (3)

“Your not all demons.” He pouts before breaking out into a wide smile that seemed to big for his face. Even his eyes seemed to crinkle up at the thought. “Besides, I get to work in a secret laboratory and work out a way to ‘cure‘ all you sinners. I think your grandfather said it was ‘a good way to fuel my heroes complex.'”

“He actually said that?” I ask shaking my head in amusement.

“He says a lot of things.” Cas looks up at me, the small hint of a smile gripping the corners of his mouth. I don’t know how anyone managed to stay so permanently… Happy? “Besides I still think I’m supposed to be mad at you, you know, for not saying thank you or anything when you left. And for bringing those ridiculous soldiers around asking all sorts of questions.”

The elevator opens and we both step inside. “I bet there’s no girls like me where your from.” I raise an eyebrow at him, trying to coax him into saying yes. He looks down for a moment as if trying to feign seriousness.

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“There’s no girls like you anywhere, Larka.” His face falls into an imperfect half grin, that makes me cock my head to the side, just to watch him a little more closely. Cas’ eyes dance with his words, the deep amber glistening in the flickering lights of the elevator. “They all say thank you when I say their lives.” He whispers quietly, his eyes still dancing. “Twice.”

“Twice is a bit of an overstatement, isn’t it?” I sigh, realizing at this point is was going home. Alone. Again. Or struggling with remembering a name to a face I wouldn’t care about within twenty minutes of saying hello. “You sure that you don’t want that drink, we could catch up on old times.”

“Remember, I’m supposed to be angry with you.” I roll my eyes at his well placed smile, and shake my head. I couldn’t imagine him contaminated with any form of rage or anger, he was just to… Good for that. To damned happy. “Don’t you ever get bored?”

5.18 (5)

“Of what?” I question suspiciously as the door opens again, signalling his floor, and time to leave. He takes a step back out of the iron gates that screech and moan with his movements. His lips curve again, into the perfect image of him, that trademark grin, slightly lopsided, and off center, but wide as the day is bright, and sincere.

“Of waking up alone?” As the door starts to shut on him, he continues. “Goodnight Miss Godwinn.”

I shake my head as I lurch forward, down to the first floor, and to freedom. My grandfather wouldn’t like to admit it, but we weren’t getting anywhere. Not fast enough anyway. So what if I could bring forward a memory for like a second, a second and a half, it wasn’t killing anything, and it probably wouldn’t actually do anything in a real fight.

They were just memories, only ghosts.

But I knew as¬†well as anyone that wasn’t true. They were real, and they were the wounds, and the scars that could never really heal. At least I was getting my gun back, my heart races at the thought of it. I thought it would calm me, but the fact that my life would be in both mine, and someone else’s hands, and vice versa terrified me.

5.18 (6)

I bite my tongue, they’re just ghosts, before staring into the contacts in my phone. Aiden’s name was staring me in the face, tearing apart my insides with shattered glass. It’s just a name I scold myself. And a number I’ll never use again. I should just delete it, but I can’t. Not exactly. Deleting it makes it final, more so than just a hole in the ground.

I wasn’t the type of person to call the number, and listen to his voice mail a hundred times while crying into a bed of tissues. No. I wasn’t that pathetic. Yet. I smirk grimly in spite of myself. I scroll down the names. Seth’s sticks out just as painfully as Aiden’s had. But it’s not what I’m looking for I just need something, someone to take me out of my head for a few hours.

“Let’s go drinking.” I say instead of the traditional greeting. There’s a hesitation his end, and I can already tell he’s slinking into another room to debate whether or not he can. After a few pointless minutes he finally agrees.

5.18 (13)

And then we’re drinking.

And I’m drinking.

And I’m getting drunk.

He says he’s married now, and he shouldn’t really be here, and I boo him. Marriage was for pussies, and he was whipped. God he’s so whipped, I wonder if he’d even be able to take a shit without asking for her permission. He frowns, but I can see the amusement in his eyes. I order shots, and more shots, and he toasts the dead.

To Aiden, to Seth, thank you for dying. That’s what they all think but they’re too afraid to say out loud.

“We should go to the bathroom, or back to mine.” I mumble absentmindedly, I barely even watch him, instead I watch the bubbles float to the top of my glass.

5.18 (14)

“I told you that I’m just here to talk.” He frowns at me, or at least I think he does. His silhouette dances within the dark bourbon of the glass, and he wavers against the cold liquid.

“Well where’s the fun in that?” I ask peaking over the glass and grinning wickedly at him. He had turned me down numerous times before, but of course he always gave in. And I knew he’d have to. No one comes to a dirty bar on this side of town just to have a drink. “Besides, I don’t need any friends.”

“I think every one does.” He responds quietly. Translation, all your friends are dead. I don’t want to start over again. I don’t need replacements just because I broke mine.

“Well I don’t.” I stare back at him defiantly. “They’re dead, okay, I don’t need your pity, I’m a big girl. I can handle it. Soldiers are bred to cope with death, and then kill it. Again. So I’m fine.”

“Larka… There’s no shame in it.” He whispers quietly, lightly moving his hand to the center of the small table. Only an inch or so away from my own. Despite the warmth in his voice, and the calmness of his eyes, I don’t buy it. I can’t. “You’re allowed to be-“

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“- Dave? What are you doing he- what’s she doing here?” The way that her eyes seemed to flicker over my face, with the accusations and betrayal burning within the angry shades of her brown eyes. It made me sick. The way she looked at me, the way she had always looked at me, it had never changed. And now, the reasons were stacking against me. And I don’t care. I shouldn’t care. I won’t, anymore. “I thought you said you were going out with friends.”

“Bri, I… I am… Larka is a fri-“

“She doesn’t have friends. So what are you doing with her?” Bri’s face was contorted into something dark, and fierce, like she might fight me for her right to stand at his side. Her anger radiates across her primped face, permeating, and mixing with the deep sadness that was rooted to her core. Like an old wound left to fester.

“She uhh… She just wanted to talk. About things.” He stands, raising his hands up as if to comfort her, his fingers snake gently around her all too skinny wrists, and he smiles. The type of smile you’d see at a funeral, or in a hospital. “I’m sure you can understand that things have been hard for her since…”

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“Hard for her?! Hard that she was the one who got to walkout alive? No, your right, baby, it is such a tough life for the survivors.” She screeches. Her eyes remind me of the October storms rolling in off the hills, brimming with destruction, and cold wet tears that forever fell from the heavens. The pits of my stomach fall away, and it’s like we’re the only two in the room. “Sorry lark, sorry for not understanding how hard it is to leave behind the dead. You know what, they were good boys, didn’t deserve someone as no good as you. Seth, and… And Aiden…”

“Bri, ple-“

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“You’re right.” I mumble unintelligently under my breath, I was hoping that the anger would consume me, and my iron will to fight would be my resolve. But nothing. “They didn’t deserve it, not what they got, and you know what? There was absolutely nothing that I could do to save them. Just watch ’em bleed. And die. It shouldn’t have been me, I know that. But it was… Me. It was them… Sorry… I guess.”

“Let’s just go, okay, it’s fin-“

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“No, Larka, sorry to you.” Bri’s eyes flood with tears, and her voice is strangled as she fights against her pathetic need to cry. Pushing her husband away she claws her grasp around a shot of tequila, the stench was horrible but it was the only medicine that I needed. “For losing a friend,¬†to Seth who made a thousand promises to that girl of his that he’d always come home. And who used to sit at my house and eat pancakes in the mornins, tellin me just how he was gon marry her one day. Someday’s gone, Seth, but so are you.” I try to swallow back the guilt but it catches in my throat. “To Aiden, the guy who ignored me all through school, pretended that I didn’t even exist most days cause I was such an intolerable bitch. Thanks bro.¬†Thanks for beating up Carter Wate who left me on the side of the road when I didn’t love em enough to sleep with him. To Aiden who hadn’t spoken to me for two years but broke some kid’s nose for makin me cry. To Aiden who said only martyrs went to war when I was thinkin of enlistin, who said he’d do the fightin for the both of us. Who said he’d do the dyin…”

My jaw clenches tightly as she downs the shot, tears pouring out as she stares up at the metaphorical heavens. Probably cursing the very day that they had cursed us all to live in this desolate, lonely world. Perhaps she was cursing me, with the very anger coursing through her deprived body. I could shoulder that curse, I was death, I had survived it, patted it’s grimy, dirty hair and watched it walk on by. And I could shoulder the grief because I deserved it.

5.18 (19)

Saying good bye was hard, especially when you’re the reason.

When you never got to say it.

My body trembles under my heavy thoughts, and her damaged soul. It was leaking out of her with every accusing tear that she could muster. All eyes are on me now, hers and Dave’s, the entire bar. I could feel their beady eyes pressing into the back of my head, picking sides, and whispering amongst themselves.

Bri sighs, her chest shuddering before she storms away. I didn’t blame her. Aiden was my squad member, a comrade, he was her brother. Seth had a life too, a family, a fianc√© he’d never meet at the aisle. I was nothing, and I had no reason, no justification to my pain. I still had my brothers, my parents… I still had a life, it was so much more than the rest of the world got, so I didn’t get to feel sad.

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“Im sorry, Lark.” He breathes quietly, and I can’t help but notice the tight line that his lips had pulled into. I had never looked at him properly before, never noticed the conflict in his eyes. “It might be war, but no ones gotten used to saying goodbye. She’s struggling too, everyone is.”

“Unless we’re gonna head to the bathroom, or back to mine, then I really don’t want you here.” I hiss coldly, standing up to meet him. One step forward, and three steps backwards, like wading through quick sand, and the more I try to fight it, the further I sink. “You’ve no loyalty… By the way.” I add quietly.

“What do you mean, no lo-“

“You came here tonight. The girl you supposedly love just stormed outta here, cause she thinks I’m a whore, and a bitch, and I killed her brother. And you’re still here.” My fingers shiver against the remaining shot glasses. The liquid splashes against the shallow sides, and drips down my pale wrists.

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“I thought you could have used a friend.” He eyes me up seriously, watching my every movement, from the rise and fall of my chest to the anxious, addicted tremors of my fingertips. “I never said I thought you killed them, Bri’s never gone to war, she’s never seen what we see every time we leave these walls. But I have, and that’s why I came tonight, cause she can’t even imagine what’s it like out there. And it sucks.”

“I’ll take that as a no.” My breath is still as I turn towards the door. My fingers fumble through my pockets looking for fix, just a vial, a drop of blood. Just anything. I bite the sides of my mouth, fighting back the isolation of my heart til I can taste the blood, and only feel the pain. Everything around me falls away, and there’s only the aching need to forget, and the pain radiating from beneath my teeth and nails.

I stumble through the night, gripping tightly against my bleeding ribs, feeling the flesh desperately healing over with each ragged breath. My body survived off instinct alone, and I keep walking off instinct. I wanna go home, but the truth is I don’t really have no place to go. So I trip, and stumble over the beaten path, following the same steps I’d taken ever since I’d made it home.

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I fall desperately into the trodden grass between the two headstones, breathing in the smell of the earth as if it could ever comfort me. I have a drop of V, maybe two, or five, or twenty. I can’t feel them in the air around me, there could be no comfort by graves because even if there bodies lay here, they were somewhere else.

I cut the palm of my hand and hold it over the grass, trying to dig into the damp soil beneath. Almost in the hopes that if my blood soaked the soil, I could find the hidden world of the dead. I knew where souls went to die, but I refused to believe that it was were they had been sent.

My breath shudders as I reopen the wound, and match the other palm, digging it back into the dirt and praying. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I sob over and over, if the strangled, tearless cries could even be compared to that. I’m not strong enough, and that never hurt as much as it did now.