Archive for April, 2013

“Vivian, the alpha wolf as determined by pack lore must bear a strong, rightful heir. To not only improve the overall vitality of the pack. But so his title or pack isn’t taken by another wolf or enemy. She must be of his blood. Of lycan blood…”

The conversation played on repeat, buzzing without end inside my fragile mind. Like a broken record that you couldn’t count on it changing it’s tune. Although I would give almost anything to forget, to make believe that it never happened. My feet carried me effortlessly, no conscious thought needed. Through the wild flowers in the fields, and the meek autumn sun shining through the canopy of trees. The breeze enveloping us with the coming winter’s chill greets us as we break out into the open.

A warm hand grazes mine and entwines with each one of my fingers. His thumb, lightly tracing over my knuckles in attempt to break me from my painful thoughts. It felt right, how could it not be right?

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“If he was anyone else to this town, then I would gladly give you my blessing and eternal good wishes for your futures. But he isn’t just anyone. He has a duty to his pack, an obligation to us all as Lycan. And child, you are human, and he is not…”

My grip unconsciously tightens as I heed his fathers words once more. They ring loud and true in my ears, as though he were right here. It terrified me and confused me through and through. If we weren’t meant to be together, then how could I feel so strongly towards Lucian? How could it feel so natural and so right with every fiber of my entire being if it was wrong?

Lucian was…. Lucian is everything to me. My rock, my anchor, I forgot about everything else when he was near. If we were wrong for each other, then fate and love was a cold hearted reality and a twisted truth.

Lucian will fight this with every muscle in his body, and hate me with every ounce of being that he has. He will fight for which he loves, and if he is alpha, he can’t love you. I.. I’m sorry, but he can’t love you… I won’t allow it. I can’t.”

“Are ya even listening to me?” Lucian sighs, waving his hand in front of my face. A soft growl rumbles in his throat as his brows furrow and push together in worry. His depth of emotion was evident, but what it meant was a cryptic puzzle my mind couldn’t even begin to comprehend. “Are you okay, Vi?”

“Yeah, of course. Just day dreaming, I guess.” I mumble out apologetically, trying to compose my thoughts. Except he could read me like a book. “School’s been pretty hectic lately. I think I failed-“

“You’re a terrible liar, and I’d be a shit friend if I couldn’t tell when ya hurtin.” Lucian shakes his head and pulls me into the sun with him. Why did he have to make it so hard to forget the butterfly’s in my stomach, furiously trying to escape out my throat? “Ya have a lousy polka face. Although, it makes my job that much easier when I know I need to try harder to make ya smile.”

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My breath catches in my throat as the sun sparkles and dances in his eyes, and against his skin. “You don’t need to try… I mean… I… I’m fine. Really.”

“Wrong. Try again.” He growls quietly, steeping even closer to me. Sending my heart into overdrive, and a wave of nerves coursing throughout me. It was stupid, but his scent set off waves of comfort and desire.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” My reply is defiant as I stare him down. It wasn’t like I was lying, it was true. The breeze catches my hair and makes it dance around me, as I watch him silently.

“Too bad.” Lucian smiles cockily. His teeth being exposed for a moment, reminding me that he isn’t entirely human. But it doesn’t matter, not to me.

“Sometimes I hate you.” I finally smile back at him. It was hard not too, he was contagious. His grin widens, as his hand grazes the underside of my chin. His fingers slowly tracing the contours of my face and jaw, until his hand rests softly caressing my cheek. My hand shakily holds it against me.

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“Good.” He breathes out quietly.  He is alpha, he can’t love you…. And I know it isn’t right to want it, to wish him to feel something for me. But I can’t help it, not when he does this. Not when he touches me and smiles. “God you’re beautiful, Viv…” It wasn’t fair. I wanted this, I needed this. “I… Should we… Err, keep moving?” His hand drops away from my face as he briskly turns around.

“Lucian?” He stops but doesn’t turn to face me. “I… Never mind.”

After that we walk in peace. He was leading me somewhere, but I couldn’t work out where. Instead I was happy just to follow. I would follow him across heaven and earth if I had too. Making small talk as we crossed pastures, and joked about our futures. I hadn’t told him what I knew about my parents now, or what had happened with Rafe. It wasn’t something I felt I could explain to him. I couldn’t even explain it to myself. Mother had died at the hands of vampires, and father almost. Rafe, whether he knew or not, the thought of seeing or speaking to him sent my stomach into knots.

But for now, just for the time being, I reveled in the present. We were happy, it was like we were just small kids again. Exploring the forest in search of magic and wonder. It was like nothing else mattered.

“Where are we?” I whisper, walking into the clearing with wonder.

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The ground broke away forming stairs out of the earth to a stage below. A stone path leading the way to the bottom, however, it was clear it hadn’t been used in a while, and it was aged with the curse of being forgotten. Pillars stood at one end of the bottom, and trees surrounded us with eerie shadow. There was something beautiful about it. “I found it, a while back. Ya know, one full moon. I… I thought you might like it. And with everything goin on with Rafe, I thought it would perfect to take ya mind off of it. Even for a few seconds.”

“Lucian… It’s beautiful. I mean, just look at it.” I blush slightly embarrassed. Even though it was just a forgotten stage for performing and acts, there was something about it. Something that made my heart ache. Maybe the thought of being loved and forgotten. This place had once served a purpose but just as quickly as it had, it was left here to be taken back by nature.

“I’m sorry.” He blurts out quickly as we walk, step by step down the broken path. “For a lot. I’ve been absent, I guess lately. Just everything that dad is putting me through so I can be as good of an alpha as him one day. It’s just… I’m sorry. Ya got stuff too, and I’ve been busy with stupid pack stuff. And I hate that.” His faces scrunches up dramatically, as he speaks. Brows furrowing together with apology.

“Your pack comes first…” I whisper walking in front of him, so that he cannot see my reaction. The instant he did, he’d know everything, and I knew I couldn’t hide it.

“Surprisingly… They’re not all bad. I mean, Selene is Selene no matter where you are. But the others are pretty cool.” He muses, a small smile on his face. He drops to sit on the cold, broken path below as I continue looking around. “I wish ya could be there though. It’s not the same.”

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I look up at the sky, and watch the fading sun. Lucian was moving on with his life, he was happy. Although it felt like he was saying that he wished I could be there as a formality. Of course I knew it wasn’t the case, but it filled me with doubt and fear. Jealousy even, which was a feeling that I despised. it was stupid and pointless, yet it consumed me. All the times he was too busy for me, he had been surrounded by wolves of his own age, and ones that his father approved of. Girls, pretty girls, that he thought were pretty cool. And I hated myself for being jealous.

I didn’t own him.

“Ya know Becki? From school? She’s there too.” He continues enthusiastically, trying to fill me in on all the details I was excluded from. “I think you guys would get along great. I mean, she’s so much like ya. And when she’s not forced to listen to Selene, she’s actually pretty cool.”

“You guys talk much?” I squeak whilst trying to hide all my feelings. Except it was like my heart was dropping every second that he smiled while talking about her. That he smiled for her. That he didn’t smile for me. I knew what was coming now. The feelings I had for him, and thought he could maybe, possibly have for me was delusional. Those feelings were reserved for her.

“Don’t worry, I’m not replacing ya or nothing.” Lucian chuckles oblivious as he stands up and stretches his arms out wide. The second his eyes shut, and for as long as they stay that way, my face loses all composure before returning to normal.

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“What’s wrong?” Lucian whispers, collecting me in his arms after a couple of long strides. “She’s just someone I can talk to who understands, ya know. I love ya to death, but you’re not a Lycan-“

“Maybe that’s the problem-“

“Hey, what’s this about?” The grip on my shoulders tightens as he gently squeezes me in hope of response. But now I know I’ve said to much. “Viv?”

“I just…. I’m being silly. I can’t have you all to myself, you know.” My smile is weak as I pat his chest lightly. My mind races, as I try to think of an escape, but I felt sick. I didn’t realize that even he saw the difference. “I’m happy for you, really.”

“Are you sure?” Despite my obvious reluctance, he pulls me into a tight hug until I give in to him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean what I said to be anything. It’s just nice to be able to… Talk to someone who’s… ya know, been through it. Living it.”

“Don’t worry about me, Luc… Honestly, I just wish I got to see you more. And that you could… Feel comfortable to let me in to this side of your life. We used to talk about everything, and anything, and now? Now you need a Lycan to talk too… And I’m not good enough anymore.” I can’t help the words that slip past my lips now. I know I should stop talking, but I have too.

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“The difference is… I don’t need them in my life, like I need you. Viv, seriously, I would give up a hundred council meetings, and pack hunts, and the pack, for just one day with you like we are now. Sure it’s nice, to have someone to talk to, but I wouldn’t trade a hundred of them, for this.” Lucian shakes his head thoughtfully, as he speaks. My eyes hold his intently, as I don’t want to miss a single thing he says or misinterpret. He was saying this. This was him. “Ya plenty good enough.”

“Luc… I…” I start but stop as I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Everything around me becomes painfully aware to me. And a cold sweat begins to form on my nervous skin. He had said that, I hadn’t imagined it. It could be delusional, or letting my hopes inflate til they float up past the glorious sun, but he felt something.

“Why would I give up the one thing I want more than anything, for just something I have to live with?” His breath is intoxicating, making me weak in the knees. He was too close now, that with each soft breath from his lips that I felt against my own trembling skin, made me a shade redder. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“There’s something I need to tell you… I just don’t know how…” I whisper. Don’t say it… No distractions, no humans. “I…”

“Tell me…”

“I… Can’t…” Tears prick at my eyes, as his head moves closer to see me, as my gaze drops to the ground. I love you… Lucian, I love you so much that right now it hurts. 

“Please…” His eyes turn sad for a moment as he pleads with me.

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Without a second thought, or word. I grab him tightly in my arms, changing our position til he is secured in my grips. And then…

I press my lips against his softly.

My heart thuds as every emotion they write about in the books bubbles at the surface. Lucian’s hands in shock stand just inches from my face. but as the seconds pass, they slowly move forward. Entangling in my hair, and pulling me closer.

This time, he’s kissing me back.

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By the time we pull away I’m out of breath, and my mind is blank. But one thing I know for sure is that I should not have done that. He wasn’t mine, I couldn’t have him. He belonged here, with his pack, and by their sides. But it felt so right, so perfect, so… Everything that I had imagined it would be. But I couldn’t feel this way. “You are human, and he is not… He will fight for which he loves, and if he is alpha, he can’t love you. I won’t allow it. I can’t….” It wasn’t fair to him, to me, to anyone really.

“Vivian…” Lucian breathes, his eyes still closed, as a large smile forms on his face. He was something else, something different. Something I couldn’t live without. “I l-“

“I… I’m so sorry.” My hand covers my face in shock. Tears prick at my eyes, and they won’t leave me alone. They fall as soon as I feel them coming on, and it’s too late. Lucian’s eyes open as worry soon covers every inch of that beloved face. The second he sensed my awkwardness, his face dropped in an instant. 

“Vivian, don’t cry, please.” His hand reaches to touch me and I flinch in shock. “Please, you’re scaring me…”

“I’m so sorry, Luc…” My voice croaks as I sob, taking a step away from him. “I… Please forgive me.”

“For what? Viv?” Except I can’t respond. Fear clutches at my chest. I had kissed him, I had actually done it. And he had kissed me back. And that meant he felt the same… But he couldn’t. Huttser… I knew Huttser only came from good intentions, but right now I was terrified. He would convince Lucian that he didn’t love me, that he didn’t need me. It’d be over before it even began. Lucian would tell me it was the end.

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“I.. Luc, I’m sorry.” I repeat, before turning around and running as fast as I could. I couldn’t think clearly with him standing there, questioning me. He needed answers, and I couldn’t think. Form proper sentences. I loved him, and that’s all I knew. And once Huttser found out, I would lose him. Or Lucian would lose his family, his pack because of me. He wasn’t allowed the choice to either reject me, or resent me. My mind is like an angry hornets nest, abuzz with questions I didn’t know the answers too. 

And I shouldn’t have run away and left him there. But I couldn’t explain why. I can’t. We can’t. It’s wrong, so wrong… If he is to be alpha, he can’t love me… 

But…

He kissed me back…

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Rafe… I grit my teeth tightly, grinding them fiercely together til it hurts. And I don’t stop. He made me so mad that I wanted to punch him right in the face, and add to the endless amount of blood and carnage that was him. And if my fist connected once, that wouldn’t be it. I wouldn’t stop, not until he hurt as much as me. Why did he have to be such a selfish idiot? Oh Rafe… Why?

He wouldn’t leave. I just had to hold onto the smallest glimmer of hope that was the case. Although I knew him, and he wanted an out. From all of this, whatever this was. School, Blackwater, me… Whatever he had going on up there, was tortured. I groan quietly and lightly tap my head back into the tree in frustration. This wasn’t the time for this, or the place. Not that there was an ideal one at all.

Get it together….

The bell signalling the end of lunch would soon deafen my ears and tell me that it was time to go. Time to grin and bear it and feign happiness. This wasn’t happening. I sigh, and clutch my sides for comfort. Closing my eyes, I focus on each and every breath.

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“It’s all your fault.” A cruel voice draws me out of my mind, and back to reality. I snap out of it, and my eyes slowly drift upwards towards the figure. “Everything was fine, until you had to go crying to big brother about me. And he won’t even look at me now.”

“How’s that my fault?” I mumble coldly to Selene as she towers over me threateningly. A rush of adrenaline bursts throughout my core and spreads through my veins to the rest of my body.

“How is it your fault? Oh my god you stupid little freak!” She shrieks rolling her eyes, as I jump to my feet. “It’s bad enough that you think you have the alpha’s runt, but you think you can keep your brother all to yourself? You don’t get everyone’s man in this god forsaken town.” I cower down slightly. I think she thought that Rafe’s cold attitude was just a phase this entire time, and that it only just hit her that it was happening.

“None of them are mine, they’re free to make their own choice. Maybe you should come to terms with the fact that no one likes you-” The slap was cold, and cruel. And it had taken me by surprise, as did my own words. The second the first word slipped past my lips I knew it was a mistake, yet I couldn’t take it back or stop it. My shaky breath is the only sound other than the ringing in my ears.

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“You stupid bastard!” She grabs the underside of my chin roughly, forcing me to look at her. “I would watch what I say if I were you.” Her low voice is aggressive and cruel. Threatening with each movement of her lips, it seemed to roll off of her tongue. “Or else…”

“Or else what?” A low male voice questions from behind us. Selene’s grip on my immediately loosens til I’m once again free. Her face grimaces slightly, scrunching up at the corners ever so slightly. It was like she might crack, like she was coming apart at the seems. “Are you deaf? Or else what?” Rafe…

“Nothing.” She spins around quickly, plastering an almost manic smile across her face. Rafe begins to tut her as he takes a large step towards her. Without even thinking she flinches and steps back fearfully. “Just words between two friends, aye , Viv? Nothing too exciting.”

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“You’re a terrible liar.” He shakes his head, matching her step for step. Rafe’s head snaps towards mine, assessing it noiselessly. His gaze slowly drifts back to her with a cocky grin. “And trust me, sweet heart, she’s telling the truth when she says that no one likes you.”

“Rafe… Please, you don’t know what you’re saying. You’re confused, that’s all.” She retorts, trying to hold onto what little she had left of him. It was over. But she couldn’t come to terms with it. “We were fine. Fine up until you let her get to you. We can be fine again. Just stop it. Snap out of it.”

“Oh please, don’t embarrass yourself. You were only ever good at one thing involving that pretty little mouth of yours…” He growls, knowing exactly what to say to hurt her. “And that definitely wasn’t talking.”

“You know what? You’re an asshole.” Selene whispers confused. Blinking back the tears beginning to form in her eyes. “I can’t believe that I was actually going to fight for you, for us. I could do so much better. I deserve, so much better.”

“Keep telling yourself that.” He growls under his breath, continually asserting his dominance. He had to win, have the last word in. Of course he did. he hadn’t changed one bit since he was a child. Underneath the cocky, larger than life bravado that he clinged to so tightly, was him. Way, way down, underneath everything else. Most people probably wouldn’t even be able to tell anymore.

“Fuck off, Rafe.” She hisses turning around. But before she does, he winks at her cruelly, rubbing salt into the freshly cut wounds. It was a hard thing to watch even though I despised her. Being rejected by the person that you wanted more than anything was a tough thing.

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Even after she leaves, I refuse to speak to him. It was like my lips wouldn’t move, and words couldn’t form. Either I wasn’t willing or fate wasn’t. I gulp, the loudness interrupting the silence. Rafe watches me intently without a word, perhaps thinking the same thing. except someone had to break the silence. It was deafening, in a way. Heavy.

“So what’s the verdict?” I mumble keeping my head low to the ground. If I looked at him I might break, and I couldn’t let him have the satisfaction. The vampire was going to take him away and it couldn’t even be blamed entirely on the creature. This was Rafe’s doing. He was the one who wanted to leave. The one who wanted to leave me

“Vladimir wants to wait a few more years til I’m older.” Rafe replies stiffly, as though the conversation was as hard for him as it was for me. “And he said all brawn and no brain doesn’t win a war… So, I’m gonn-“

“You’re going to listen to a complete stranger when he tells you these things, but when your sister says it, it’s a pointless lecture?” I raise my eye brow at him whilst shaking my head. I couldn’t count how many times that I had told him to finish school. I didn’t have enough fingers for that. “Does it not even matter what I think?”

“Of course it matters, Viv. You’re my sister so it does.” His eyes narrow in on me as he watches my reaction. Although what did he expect? It’s like I’m nothing to him.

“Then why don’t you act like it-“

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“You mean why do I want to leave?” Rafe cuts in before I can finish my sentence. It was more than that though, all of his self destructive tendencies needed an answer. The drinking, the drugs, not caring about school and the fighting. The reason Rafe wanted to leave didn’t even begin to cover it. “Why do I do this to myself?”

“You’re an idiot.” I mumble under my breath with a sigh.

“But don’t you even want to hear my ‘bullshit’ reasons? You’ve had you’re say, no, not like that, don’t pout, I don’t want to fight anymore…” His brows furrow together deeply as he cocks his head to the side. “Everyone keeps telling me ‘I have to do this,’ and ‘I have to be this,’ and I can’t take it. Don’t any of you even care enough to ask me why? It’s just a phase, it’ll be okay? Please, give me a bit more credit than that.”

“Then why?” My jaw clenches together as I look him directly in the eyes for the first time in this conversation.

“This town is going to be the death of me. Don’t get me wrong, this is home, it’s always going to be home. But I can’t…” The stern look that was on his face dissipates for an almost childlike innocence. “The town is so small, and the dreams are even smaller. Everyone is so content about what their life is and will be. I mean, 95% are thrilled by the possibility of a life of mediocrity. School, work, settling down, raising kids, the end. Getting up, going to work, having dinner, going back to bed, and then repeat. I can’t face a life of ordinary, typical, small town life.”

“What’s wrong with wanting a simple life, and spending it with the one you lov-“

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“I’m not trying to offend you, I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it. Or trying to justify my shitty attitude. I’m just made for bigger things, and this town feels like it’s smothering me. Do you know how hard it is to be great in a town full of werewolves when I’m just painfully, dreadfully human and ordinary? I’m weaker, slower, and most of them are already promised to someone already. It’s almost impossible to stand out.”

“You’re afraid of not standing out?” I repeat, placing my hand on my hip. “If anything you’re getting plenty of attention, and all for the wrong reasons.”

“All of it, isn’t because of some deep emotional trauma or addiction. I like it. It’s as simple as that.” Rafe shrugs nonchalantly as though it was as good a reason as any. “I love the rush of a good fight. And liquid courage, it seems so much less painful that just biting my tongue and letting people treat me like shit, Viv. I’m not some junkie trying to convince you his addictions don’t exist. I’m telling you how it is, and honestly, I’m in total control.”

“That’s what you think.” I growl looking at my feet determined not to let him win. He just didn’t get it. It wasn’t a good enough reason to do this. He liked it? That wasn’t good enough. It couldn’t be.

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“Like I said, I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m sick of it. But you need to understand one thing, this is my life, good or bad, I made my bed, and I’ll sleep in it.” Rafe cocks his head to the side, and lowers his voice. “I don’t like vampires, and I don’t particularly like Vladimir, but it’s an option. And right now, it’s all I got. Just the faintest hope that I can get out, and make something of my life. Come here.”

He opens up his arms and pulls me close to him in a rare show of affection. “No.” I mumble in weak protest but cling to him just as much.

“I know you don’t understand, or approve. But, nothing’s set in stone. And…” He pauses, stroking my hair softly to soothe me. “I need this… You don’t even know how much I need this.”

I pull away and scratch my arm awkwardly. I didn’t know what to say to him, or how to act. Strangely enough I got it, I did understand where he was coming from. But it didn’t justify or change anything. Instead it was like butterfly’s tearing at my insides and wrapping their way around my throat in anxious knots. Rafe wanted to leave, and go far, far away. From me, from this, from everything. Assuming he didn’t die before then.

“Viv, you are made for so much bigger things than this town can offer. And I know you can’t even begin to comprehend what that means, but you have so much greatness in you. And I’m not gonna say it often, so just listen, soak it up. You can do so much with your life… So promise me one thing…” Rafe gulps as his eyes search mine with thoughtful intensity. Despite everything, he was still human underneath everything that he portrayed himself to be. “Just… Don’t do anything that’ll trap you here, think about it first. Make your mind up first… Before you do anything… Or choose anyone…”

“You mean Lucian?” I whisper quietly and motionless. Apart from the swift movement of my lips and the rise and fall of my chest there’s nothing. No facial expression, blank.

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“He’s gonna be alpha one day, and when the day comes that you realize you can’t stay here a second longer, he can’t go with you. And you can’t expect him too. And I don’t want you to grow to despise him because you feel like he’s tied you down here, and the only choice is him or your freedom.” His voice is full of certainty, and sadness as he explains the future that he sees. But… It wasn’t true, it couldn’t be.

“No, he’s the anchor that keeps my heart on the ground-“

“Even though you could aim for the stars?” Rafe bites his lip. “This isn’t an attack on you or him. I love the guy like my own brother, and if anyone was good enough for you, it would be him. But, I don’t want you to compromise who you are for him, for anyone. I don’t wanna see you fade into nothingness, ordinary, typical bullshit. You could be anything, and go anywhere.”

“So what? Just give up on… Him, our friendship, all of it? You can’t honestly ask me to do that.” Lucian… How could I ever just walk away from that? He was my best friend. My everything, he understood me when know one else could. And he never gave up on me.

“I’m not asking you too, I just want you to think about it.”

*

Rafe did keep to his promise after that. He returned to school, not happily to say the least, but he was making the effort. Even if it wasn’t for me. Somehow, and somewhere, deep down inside I think it was for me. Even in some small, insignificant way, it had affected him. I had affected him, and he was trying. It wasn’t an A+ effort, but it was something. And that something was a lot more than anyone had gotten out of him in a long time.

I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t affected me too, but it had. A lot. The truth, the honest truth was, I didn’t know what I wanted. Where I wanted to be. Or who I wanted to spend it with. These questions were like a plague, infecting my mind with every single thought and action. The answers to these questions weren’t easy to come by, and if anything, I couldn’t even begin to scratch the surface. But if anything was clear, without Lucian I was nothing.

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It was a cruel, vicious circle, and I couldn’t see the end anywhere in sight. The confusion seemed so black and white. If I had Lucian, there was no outside world without him. If I chose the world, there was no him. There was no middle area, no leeway. Lucian had a responsibility to his pack, and his town. But a world without him, made my heart ache more than anything. Why was the thought of my leaving my best friend so dreadful? Why was it even a choice at all? This was Lucian, there was no choice. Not really. Not at all.

I had seen him at his best, and I’d seen him at his very lowest. I knew what he was, inside and out. As human an Lycan. And he was always Lucian, good or bad, it was always him.

And one thing I knew for sure was… I loved this boy.

I loved this boy…

*

And I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. It’s hard to explain. Since Rafe had confronted me about things, it felt like a had lost something. Something important. My childlike innocence perhaps. Of course, I had never before dreamt of ever leaving Blackwater, and never had I considered Lucian would be the thing holding me here if I did. But until it was mentioned, I didn’t know what I wanted. I still don’t. But if anything, I was ten feet further away than before, and a whole lot of decisions had to be made.

Who was I? What did I want?

Who did I want?

It was obvious, even without much thought. It was easy, simple, true. So much so, without as little thought, I left the safety of my room to join the world where rejection was just one of the realities that faced me. But I had never been so sure of anything in my entire life. I didn’t know who I was, or what I wanted to be. But I knew the most important answer of all. And that realization sent calming waves throughout my body.

Out of all the decisions I had made in my entire life. All the paths I had took, this, right here, was right. The most natural. This right now, was the one thing I could never regret. without any hesitation, or second thought. From now until my dying day, this was the one thing that was without a doubt, the best decision I could ever make.

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But I pause for a moment. I knew what waited behind this door, and I knew that it didn’t necessarily have a happy outcome. Was I really going to do this?

Lucian

The one thing I knew more than anything that I couldn’t live without. And whether he wanted me the same, it was painfully obvious that I couldn’t go on pretending. Ignorance had been my bliss for so long. But now… Maybe I had to let go of that. Of my fears.

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My hand slowly reaches for the door handle. Pausing to shakily think about what I was about to do. Confess my undying affections for Lucian at 2 o’clock in the morning dressed in my pajamas. I bite my lip, and shut my eyes for a moment. This wasn’t the most optimal time, obviously. But…

My hand drops away from the door. I have to do this. Don’t chicken out like you’ve done with everything else. Be brave for one moment in you’re life. 

“What are you still doing up?” Quickly blinking away the tears forming from my confused and frazzled mind I turn around.

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“Huttser… Couldn’t I ask the same thing?” I fake a smile, with a small, half controlled voice. His face remains unchanged as he watches me thoughtfully. He knew. Of course he knew. Oh god, I’m such an idiot. What he must think of me now. At his son’s door at two in the morning looking an awful mess.

“Touche.” He smiles briefly without adding to much expression. My heart thuds dully in my chest as silence begins to fall. I couldn’t think of anything to say. He wasn’t only Lucian’s father, he was alpha, he was chief.

“C.. Can we… Talk?” I mumble trying to play it cool. He was alpha. It was no use waking Lucian up now, it would have to wait. Although I could do some research.

“Come.” He smiles again warmly, motioning away from Lucian’s door.

“What is it like being alpha?” I struggle out as we open the front door. I can’t even look at him now. Although, it was something I needed to know, to understand.

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“It’s like being a brother, a father, a son, a neighbor, a protector, a judge, a counselor, and half a dozen other things to a hundred and one different people who expect nothing less than perfect from you. And staying up all night, tossing and turning, worrying about each and every one of them as though they are my own. And holding onto their fears, their dreams, their aspirations, wants, desires, thoughts, needs, and everything in between, and not going mad.” Huttser smiles thoughtfully, seeming to drift off into his thoughts. He romanticized what he was doing, and he had every right too. He happily devoted his life to this town, and every single person inside it.

“Was it easy for you? Giving up… Your freedom for this?” I whisper quietly, almost ashamed to speak the words.

“At first no. It was a tough transition, from only having worrying about myself and my family, to having a deep and very real attachment to everyone here. But, when I started actually being an alpha, and doing everything that entailed, it was natural. Blackwater is my home, everyone here is my home. It was only natural that my sense of what a community is and should be shows in the faces of everyone here.” He explains further, not once questioning my motives for answering such questions. “Being alpha is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I’ve lost countless nights sleep, and my years show more than they should. But… This is what i was made for. And I haven’t made the easiest decisions, maybe some weren’t the right ones. But I stand by everything. My love for this town and everyone is one of the reasons I took your mother in.”

“My mother?” I question confused. He had never spoken of her to me, and I couldn’t understand why he had chosen to now.

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“She was a wreck, when she first arrived. And I only ever wanted to do the right thing, so I let her stay.” Huttser’s voice is quiet, almost eerie, and I inch in closer to hear him better. I didn’t want to lose a second of this. “Raveena, she was sick, on the verge of death and she held on so that she could give you life. It was courageous. A mothers love knows no bounds. And she did love you and Rafe. When they… When she left, it was tragic. When she didn’t return it broke my heart.”

“What happened to her?” My heart ached to hear more, to hear the story.

“The vampires, they came, and they stole her from us.” Huttser growls, a rush of anger evident. It still hurt him to talk about it. Vampires… They had taken her. They had killed her. Vampires had taken my parents from me. “And I made the decision, one of the make or break it choices, to fight for her. It was the right thing to do, and everyone here… They were scared, but each and everyone fought beside me. But we didn’t get there in time for her. But it was my love for her and you two, that I took your father back with us. Months past and I didn’t think he’d ever wake up. And when he did, he was so broken and so hurt. And he had to leave, that choice was his make or break decision. And I took you and Rafe in and gave you a home, and love. Being an alpha is loving everyone here like they’re my own blood and doing right by them, and by fate. You included.”

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“I didn’t… I didn’t know…” I whisper sitting down on the steps. My mother… My father… Gone, and because of what, vampires. All this time, all this fear, was for something. It made my fear for Rafe so much more intense.

“I’m sorry that I never told you. I always wanted you to know the truth, but at what cost?” Huttser sits next to me and sighs.  I trap my bottom lip in my teeth and bite down painfully to stop the tears. “Being alpha isn’t always about success stories. You win some, you lose some. And the ones you lose… Lucian will be alpha one day, and all this will be his responsibility. He is my only heir, and he will fight it as much as he can. The arguments we’ve already had about this. But he will be great, I know that with every fiber of my being. Lucian doesn’t need any distractions from this path, any second thoughts or doubts. I’m sorry, Vivian, dear, but he can’t, I won’t allow it.”

“Huttser, I-“

“I’ve seen the way he looks at you, and the way you stare back. And I know you’d move heaven and earth to see him happy. So promise me, just one thing, that you’ll let him walk this path, and you won’t stand in his way. He is Lycan, and alpha to his pack first and foremost. Pack law would see him stand with his own kind…”

“Stand with his own… Kind?”

“Promise me…”

*

Authors note

Okay, guys, first and foremost, I’m sorry it’s been so long >_< I’ve been having trouble getting this generation to where I want it to go to be able to write what I want to write. It’s been difficult and frustrating trying to get to that point, but I’m almost there, and hopefully the quality picks up a bit there (I feel that’s been lacking a bit lately). But I’m getting there. And on top of work, starting a new course, a social life and now moving to the other side of the country, I’ve been a little more than busy.

Also I’ve been working on Ravenwood as a world, and am happy with where it’s at. However, as you can tell from the pictures, I’ve changed the weather/sky files in the world. It’s just for a tester period so ignore the all the purple. Right now it’s a mix between China’s sky and Bridgeport, but depending on how I’m feeling about it, I may change it back to just Birdgeport and fog. I’ve also edited the landscape in certain areas and changed a few things. But what do you guys think of purple? Too much?